It makes me wonder, am I dependng material possesions to live the life I want to live, or am I not using what God has already blessed me with. I begin to believe all the hurtful words I have heard about myself over the years, and they really have taken a toll on my. Can I possibly continue to live my life in fear of rejection and inadequacy. Or should I live it with no reservations. I want the fab life, the glam life, the blessed life, the life that I can be proud to wake up and live every morning....but for some reason, I feel that maybe I am not happy because I havent moved away from the famliar. I am ready to step out, and live life without any reservations. I am ready to make some things happen...the thing is I dont know those things. Truth is I dont tap, sing, or fall into the category of an artist. However, I'm ready to find out what exactly it is I am supposed to be living for.
I am a christian, and I LOVE THE LORD. I know he doesnt want me to live a dull boring life, so what is that feeling in my chest that makes me want to run away from life and everybody. I know its not gas, or maybe my heart is protecting me from the hurt that I may encounter. I view all of these celebrities whom praise God, and live their life to the fullest. I want to find my purpose and enjoy my purpose. Sometimes I feel that my future career goal as a doctor will cause me to compromise my social life and force me into a hole of sadness. The fulfillment is in saving lives, but sometimes I wonder is that enough.
I want to travel and see the world. I would love to articulate my life's message through the tip of my pen in a manuscript for my up and coming book. I believe that all of these failed attempts at my major happened for reason, but where is it pushing me. I want to put behind all of my mistakes, and say that I learned and became a better person.
I also want to be the life of the party, and the source behind the scene. You see the key in all of this is that I want to BE. I dont feel as if I'm living right now. I have everything I can ask for. My bills are paid, I have a wonderful boyfriend, caring and loving friends, but what is it that is holding my back. I dont want to abandon what I know, and I'm afraid once I do, I might step out of God's will for me, and we all know that isn't the way to go.....So then how do I live....I DONT KNOW.....I need to take a leap of faith and trust that God has a plan for me. I dont want to look back on my twenties and say that I missed out because of my fears. Sometimes you want it all, and are tired of wondering why you dont have it all. Maybe I need to use what God gave me, and percieve it as a blessing. My problems next to the problems of another, dont even compare. Im ready to be creative and today is a brand new chapter. I'm ready to live!!!!!!!!!!
